Welcome to Ladies Get Paid, a weekly newsletter to expand your worth, wealth, and wellbeing. Was it sent to you? Subscribe here so you don’t miss the next one.
This is for anyone who struggles to ask for what they want.
“The middle part is still too long, your ask is getting lost.”
Andrea Mac, a friend and sales expert, recently started coaching me on how to sell my 90-day coaching program.
Even though I’m excellent at marketing and negotiating, it turns out sales isn’t quite the same thing. Whoops.
What I struggled with most was articulating a direct ask to my network, tapping into who they might know that could benefit from my coaching.
(For those wondering, I’m looking to work with 10 women who want to energize their career trajectory and earning potential.)
The goal was to schedule 15 minute phone calls with my network and in preparation, Andrea had me write a script with the concise and direct ask of referrals.
I struggled with the direct part.
Instead of simply coming out and saying, “I’m excellent at what I do. Do you know anyone who could benefit and would you please refer me?” I added a bunch of fluff stuff about wanting their opinion on the zeitgeist – ie what they were hearing about people’s career satisfaction, etc, – and Andrea had enough.
“Get to the point! Just say the damn thing!” (I’m paraphrasing, but trust me, she was exasperated.)
Her main concern was that my ask would get lost. That by adding in the other stuff it would make people feel like they were being helpful WITHOUT the referral, diluting and distracting from my actual need.
I argued that people might feel put on the spot, or worse, used.
Andrea disagreed, that a) I’d built up enough “relationship capital” to make the ask and b) they would be grateful for the brevity.
I reluctantly agreed.
Here’s why I’m sharing this story with you: I recently had AI analyze 124 transcripts of my coaching sessions and the overwhelming majority of my clients struggle to make their ask.
Whatever it was that they wanted – boundaries, a raise, recognition, responsibility – they found reasons to NOT go for it. Or maybe they tried, failed, and then retreated.
Maybe this resonates…
Why we bury the ask
Here’s what’s really going on beneath the fluff: making a direct ask requires you to believe, even for a moment, that what you want is worth wanting. That you are worth the yes. And for a lot of us, that’s the harder thing to access than the words themselves.
When we add qualifiers and context, we’re not protecting the other person, we’re protecting ourselves. If the ask is buried and they don’t respond to it, we can pretend we didn’t really ask. There’s no clear rejection. The ambiguity becomes a kind of armor.
But here’s the cost: you don’t get what you need, and you’ve also just reinforced to yourself that the ask wasn’t safe to make directly. You’ve taught yourself to hide.
What being direct sounds like
The direct ask doesn’t have to be cold or blunt. It just has to be clear. In practice, that might sound like:
- “I’m really proud of the work I’ve been doing. I’d love to be considered for a promotion — can we talk about what that path looks like?”
- “I need to stop taking calls after 6pm. Starting next week, I won’t be available then.”
- “I’m actively looking for my next role in [field]. If anyone in your network comes to mind, I’d love a warm introduction — even a quick email connecting us would mean a lot.”
Notice what’s not there: the apology, the over-explanation, the cushioning. Just the thing.
The reframe
Making a clear ask is actually an act of generosity.
When you tell someone exactly what you need, you’re giving them the gift of knowing how to show up for you.
Burying the ask forces them to read your mind, and when they inevitably miss it, you’re left feeling unseen, and they don’t even know why.
Clarity is kind. To them, and to yourself.
Your turn:
- What’s the ask you’ve been burying — and what story are you telling yourself about why you need to soften it first?
- Who in your life have you been circling around, adding context and qualifiers, when what they really need from you is just the direct thing?
- If you knew the ask might be rejected, would you still make it? And if the answer is no — what does that tell you about where you’re placing your worth?
What’s one ask you’d make if you knew you could survive the no? Hit reply and tell me.
Now go get paid.
x Claire
PS Loved this newsletter? Pay it forward by sharing it with someone who could benefit 🤗
|
|
|
Looking for a job?
Dreaming of a new career?
Preparing to negotiate?
Seeking guidance?
|
