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This is for anyone who struggles with critical feedback.

I saw the LinkedIn message and my stomach dropped. There it was, confirming what I feared about my presentation—that I rushed too quickly, tried to cram in too much. However, a nanosecond later, my disappointment in myself transformed into a boiling inferno, rage directed at this—looked at his profile—mediocre white man.
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There was the trope of “have the confidence of a mediocre white man” playing out in real time. Who was this dude to give me unsolicited feedback? On a free presentation for job seekers, nonetheless. His message was sent one minute after another that complimented me on a “fantastic webinar.”
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I turned the two contrasting messages into a pithy Instagram post, asking people who interact with men on a daily basis if they receive unsolicited feedback. Not only was it a resounding YES, it became my most viral piece of content yet (even exceeding the one about leaving my husband for a woman).

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The Body Keeps Score

But today’s newsletter is not about the differences between genders—no matter how generalized and snarky I was being—but about the more painful part of that experience: my body’s reaction to receiving the feedback in the first place. That drop in my stomach. The pang in my heart.

From a wiring perspective, my brain registered it exactly as it should: a threat. Because we are wired to survive and not thrive, my reptilian brain interpreted it as a physical threat to my actual safety, hence the physical reaction to self-protect.

From a socialization standpoint, it also makes sense. I take enormous pride in putting together kickass webinars and consider myself an excellent speaker (I have the testimonials to prove it).

However, I am not Teflon—not even close. I am human, and in my human nature, I seek the approval of others. So when I was told someone found fault with my presentation, I took the fatal leap of conflating it with “they don’t like me.”

As much as I’ve been working on disconnecting my identity from my profession, it is a work in progress. So when the work gets flagged—a.k.a. this trigger—it’s an opportunity to notice something deeper.

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Two messages. One minute apart. One negative, one positive. And only one of them landed in my body like a stone.

That’s the real tell. Not that I had a reaction to criticism—but that the criticism had gravitational pull while the compliment slid right off. I have Teflon for praise and velcro for criticism.

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The Filing Cabinet

And then there’s this: that stomach drop wasn’t random. My nervous system has a filing cabinet full of moments when:

• My work wasn’t “enough”
• I had to prove myself to someone who’d already decided
• Criticism came from someone who hadn’t earned the right
• I made myself small to accommodate someone else’s comfort

That LinkedIn message wasn’t the threat. It was the reminder. My body wasn’t overreacting—it was pulling up every time I’ve been in that pattern before and saying: “Danger. We know how this goes.”

The work isn’t to stop having the reaction. It’s to update the filing system. To teach my nervous system: This time is different. I’m not that person anymore. I don’t work for him. I don’t need his approval. I can delete this message and go on with my day.

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The Irony

There’s something even more interesting here.

I teach salary negotiation. I teach women to advocate for themselves, to know their worth, to stop undervaluing their expertise. And yet when some random dude criticized my free work—work I gave as a gift—my first instinct was to wonder if he was right.

That’s the tax of being socialized female. We can be fierce advocates for other women and still question ourselves the second a man has an opinion.

We’re taught to be endlessly improvable. Coachable. Growth-oriented. Open to feedback.

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There’s a version of personal development that’s actually just people-pleasing in a personal brand. It looks like growth, but it’s actually just contorting ourselves into whatever shape will get the least pushback.

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So here’s what I’m working on instead:

1. Getting radically discerning about whose opinions matter. Not every opinion deserves consideration. Not every critique requires self-reflection. Make a list of people whose feedback actually matters to you—people who’ve earned the right through their own expertise, their investment in you, their track record of good judgment. I promise that random LinkedIn guy isn’t on it.
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2. Letting praise land as deeply as criticism. What would it take for “fantastic webinar” to sink into my bones the way “you rushed through it” did? What would have to shift for me to trust the good feedback as much as I trust the bad? This isn’t toxic positivity—it’s equalizing the weight I give to different inputs.
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3. Recognizing triggers as outdated software, not character flaws. That physical reaction isn’t dysfunction—it’s data. It’s my nervous system working with old information. The work is updating the files: I’m safe. I’m competent. This person doesn’t get a vote.
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4. Rejecting the tyranny of being coachable. Sometimes the most radical thing I can do isn’t process feedback more gracefully—it’s to simply decide: “This person doesn’t get a vote.” Being discerning is more valuable than being palatable.

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The progress isn’t becoming unflappable. It’s getting better at distinguishing between feedback that deserves my attention and feedback that deserves deletion. It’s letting the praise matter as much as the criticism. It’s knowing that the stomach drop is old news, not current truth.

And maybe, just maybe, it’s blocking mediocre men on LinkedIn before they can even type.

Your Turn:

• When was the last time you let criticism from someone who hadn’t earned the right eclipse praise from people who matter?
• Whose opinions have you been treating as fact when they should be treated as noise?
• What compliment has slid right off you recently that deserved to sink in deeper?
• If you made a list of the 5-10 people whose feedback actually matters to you, who would be on it? (And more importantly—who wouldn’t?)
• What would it feel like to give praise the same weight you give criticism?

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Now go get paid.

x Claire

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Resources ​

Looking for a job? ​LLC of Me​ Dreaming of a new career? ​Pivot Pathfinder​ Preparing to negotiate? ​Salary Scripts​ Seeking guidance? ​Explore Coaching​

Need 1:1 guidance?

Here’s the thing about trying to do any kind of transformational work on your own: we all have blind spots. We’re too close to ourselves to see the patterns clearly. Sometimes you need someone else to ask the question that cracks everything open.

If you’ve been reading this thinking I need to talk to someone about my own stuff—I have a few spots open this month for 30-minute coaching sessions.

This isn’t a discovery call. It’s a real session. We’ll dig into whatever’s keeping you stuck and you’ll leave with something concrete, actionable, and energizing.

But don’t just take it from me!

Reply back to this email if you have any questions, I’m here to support you whenever you need it.

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Book your session

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Every Sunday, I send out a recording of a real coaching session plus a Substack of key insights you can apply to your own life.

This week is all about Erin, who’s been job searching for over a year. She’s gotten close—final rounds, down to the last two candidates—and then… rejection. Over and over.

The hardest part? She knows she’s qualified. On paper, she checks every box. But the moment the interview starts, something takes over. Her chest tightens. Her heart races. The voice kicks in: You’re not enough.

In this coaching session, we dig into what’s actually happening—in Erin’s body and in her head—and we build practices designed specifically for her. We talk about:

• Why “just be confident” never works
• The difference between performing and connecting,
• What happens when the thing you value most (for Erin, it’s connection) is exactly what makes rejection feel unbearable.

If you’ve ever walked into a high-stakes moment knowing you’re capable but feeling like a fraud, this one’s for you.

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See inside the session

Hi, I’m Claire Wasserman and I help you expand your worth, wealth, and wellbeing.​ ​ I’d love to support you – learn more here.​