Hey friend,
Meet Taylor (name changed). She came to coaching feeling completely stuck. At 32, she was questioning everything: her corporate consulting job in Chicago, whether to take a role at her family’s business, even whether she was the person she thought she was. Recent performance reviews mentioned she was “too direct” and “inflexible” – words that felt completely foreign to someone who’d always seen herself as collaborative and adaptable.
But here’s what was really eating at her: a deep, unexpressed desire to start a podcast. Specifically, about navigating career transitions in your thirties. Every time the thought surfaced, an internal voice would shut it down: “You’re not a content creator. Who would listen? What makes your perspective special?”
Sound familiar? Taylor was trapped in what I call box thinking – the exhausting habit of putting ourselves in rigid boxes that no longer fit.
This is what I see with almost every client: we get trapped in outdated identity labels that no longer serve us. Let me show you how this plays out – and most importantly, what you can do about it.
The Problem With “I Am” and “I’m Not”
Box thinking shows up everywhere:
- “I’m not creative” (so you never try)
- “I’m the responsible one” (so you can’t take risks)
- “I’m not good with conflict” (so you avoid necessary conversations)
- “I’m a people pleaser” (so you can’t set boundaries)
These labels feel safe because they’re predictable. But they’re also creative killers and growth stoppers. They keep us performing outdated versions of ourselves instead of evolving into who we’re becoming.
Your brain treats these statements as facts, filtering out evidence that contradicts them. When Taylor said “I’m not a content creator,” her brain literally couldn’t see her presentation skills, her engaging communication style, or her natural ability to guide conversations.
So how do we break free from these limiting labels? It starts with understanding how our brains work – and then working with them.
The Identity Evolution Framework
Neuroscience shows that language shapes perception. When you say “I’m becoming,” your brain starts looking for evidence of growth instead of proof of limitation.
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Step 1: Catch the Binary. Notice when you use absolute language about yourself:
- “I always…”
- “I never…”
- “I’m not the type of person who…”
- “I am/am not…”
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Step 2: Add Fluidity. Transform statements:
- “I’m not creative” → “I’m becoming more familiar with my creative side”
- “I’m bad at public speaking” → “I’m developing my speaking confidence”
- “I don’t know how to set boundaries” → “I’m learning to communicate my needs”
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Step 3: Embrace Both/And. You can be:
- Both analytical AND creative
- Both introverted AND a strong presenter
- Both someone who’s been people-pleasing AND someone who’s learning boundaries
- Both respectful AND willing to challenge ideas
Identity evolution is powerful, but there’s usually one big obstacle standing in the way: that critical voice that shows up the moment you try to grow. Here’s how to handle it.
The Parts Work Revolution: Your Inner Critic as Overworked Employee
Here’s the game-changer: That critical voice in your head isn’t your enemy. It’s an overworked employee trying to protect you from failure, embarrassment, or rejection.
Taylor’s inner critic was working overtime, saying things like “Who are you to start this podcast? You’ll just make a fool of yourself.” Instead of fighting it, I taught her to manage it.
The 5-Step Parts Dialogue Process:
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Identify and Name the Part.
- Notice the critical voice
- Give it a name if helpful (“The Protector,” “The Perfectionist”)
- Remember: This is ONE part of you, not your whole self
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Find the Positive Intent.
- Ask the part: “What are you trying to protect me from?”
- Listen for: failure, embarrassment, disappointment, looking foolish.
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Express Genuine Gratitude.
- Say: “Thank you for working so hard to keep me safe. That’s exhausting work.”
- Acknowledge that criticism takes more energy than support
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Negotiate New Roles.
- Ask: “What would you need to see from me to trust that I can succeed without you being so harsh?”
- Offer alternatives: “Instead of being my inner critic, could you be my wise counsel?”
- Imagine what wise counsel would sound/feel like
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Daily Collaboration.
- Review your schedule during morning check-in: “Inner critic, what are you concerned about today?”
- Work together: “How can we approach this as an experiment instead of a test?”
Once you’ve learned to work WITH your inner critic instead of against it, you can start the most important practice of all: updating your self-concept in real time. Fighting your inner critic creates internal war. Collaborating with it creates internal peace. When you acknowledge the protective intent, the volume naturally turns down.
Real-Time Identity Updates
Most of us operate with outdated self-concepts. We make decisions based on who we were five years ago, not who we’re becoming.
The Daily Check-In Practice: Instead of asking “Who am I?” ask:
- “How am I showing up today?”
- “What parts of my identity feel outdated?”
- “What’s emerging in me?”
- “Where am I evolving in real-time?”
Taylor realized she was still operating as “the person who’s not creative” when she’d actually been leading engaging team meetings, crafting compelling client presentations, and getting positive feedback on her communication style. Her identity just hadn’t caught up to her reality.
Taylor’s breakthrough happened when she stopped fighting her evolution and started embracing it. Now it’s your turn.
This Week’s Challenge
Pick one “I’m not” statement that’s been limiting you.
For the next seven days, experiment with being that thing in small ways. If you’ve said “I’m not creative,” doodle during meetings. If you’ve said “I’m not a leader,” speak up with one idea. If you’ve said “I’m not athletic,” take one walk.
The goal isn’t to become something overnight. It’s to get curious about who you might be when you stop insisting on who you’re not.
What box are you ready to evolve beyond? Hit reply and tell me one “I’m not” statement you’re curious to question. I read every response.
We got this – together 💪
x Claire
👯
No July Meetup
UPDATE COMING
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7-Day Integration Plan
Putting advice into action.
Day 1: Box Detective
- Morning (5 minutes): Set intention to notice box thinking
- Throughout day: Catch yourself saying “I am/am not” statements
- Evening (10 minutes): Journal 3 box statements you noticed and reframe them with “I’m becoming…” language
Day 2: Parts Introduction
- Morning (10 minutes): Identify your inner critic. What does it typically say?
- During challenging moment: Try Steps 1-3 of the Parts Dialogue
- Evening (5 minutes): Reflect: What did you notice about talking TO your critic instead of fighting it?
Day 3: Identity Fluidity Practice
- Morning (5 minutes): Ask “How am I showing up today?” instead of defining who you are
- Throughout day: Notice moments when you’re being both/and instead of either/or
- Evening (10 minutes): Write about one way you’re both things you thought were contradictory
Day 4: Positive Intent Detective
- Morning (5 minutes): When you notice self-criticism, ask “What are you trying to protect me from?”
- Practice: Have a full 5-step conversation with one critical part
- Evening (5 minutes): What protective intent surprised you?
Day 5: Evolution Evidence
- Morning (5 minutes): List 3 ways you’ve grown in the past year that your old identity labels don’t capture
- Throughout day: Notice when you catch yourself being more than your labels
- Evening (10 minutes): Update your internal resume with evidence of growth
Day 6: Community Connection
- Action: Reach out to one person about something you’re becoming (not something you already are)
- Practice: Share a “both/and” aspect of yourself in conversation
- Reflection: How did it feel to be seen in your complexity?
Day 7: Integration & Planning
- Morning (15 minutes): Review the week. What shifted? What felt natural? What needs more practice?
- Planning (10 minutes): Choose one daily practice to continue
- Celebration (5 minutes): Acknowledge the courage it takes to evolve your identity
