We were an hour into the third module of Ladies Get Launched when someone asked, “Did you forget to press record?” Ugh.
I started to spiral inwardly. I felt the heat rising from a pit in my stomach up to my neck, sweat beads forming.
Fuck meeeeeeeeeee.
I was incredibly pissed at myself for such a rookie mistake. I tried to ignore it but the nagging inner “YOU IDIOT” was too loud.
I had to admit it to the group. I told them I was struggling.
And guess what? Instead of it being a distraction from the lesson, it became the lesson.
In real time, I walked them through my mind’s dialogue with itself and how I was shifting from combat (“you idiot”) to compassion (“everyone makes mistakes”.) I was thrilled to get this feedback afterward:
But to be honest, I was still struggling 24 hours later. I was caught in the loop of having feelings and then judging myself for those feelings, which only compounded things further.
However, this spiral was nowhere near as bad as the one I had years ago in Minneapolis after hosting a town hall. Because there was scant participation (my definition of a successful event), I thought it went horribly, and not just that, I was horrible.
I catastrophized it further: I was so horrible at my job I should quit Ladies Get Paid. I was literally on the verge of giving everything up when I got an email from an attendee, telling me how life-changing the experience had been for her.
WHAT IN GOD’S NAME WAS GOING ON?!
Instead of feeling reassured, I felt insane. How could my experience be so radically different from hers?
When I mentioned this to one of the event’s organizers, she laughed hysterically. According to her, the reason people didn’t participate was out of politeness or, in her words, “Midwest nice.” What I’d internalized as a personal failing was in fact, a cultural misunderstanding.
I swore from then on, to NEVER assume anything about anyone. A mantra I continually returned to was: “I am not a mind reader” (and for anxieties about the future, “I am not a fortune teller.”)
That helped. For a while.
It wasn’t until I fell into a deep depression during the pandemic that I woke up to the serious work I needed to do on my self-worth. Two things precipitated it:
- I’d reached the apex of my professional career with a major book deal and yet, I felt numb.
- With no more in-person events, I wasn’t getting the external validation I so craved from our community.
Most days, I struggled to get out of bed and when I did, it was to take our cat for a walk in a stroller (she didn’t like it.)
Clearly, I needed help.
My first step was to read and listen to all the books, podcasts, and influencers peddling productivity “hacks.”
None of them worked.
Why? I’d mistaken the symptom – procrastination – for the problem. I needed to excavate deeper.
I started by examining my definition of success. It was wholly tied to externalities: validation from others through the lens of achievement (and of course held to the impossible standard of perfectionism.)
This meant two things:
- I was outsourcing my self-esteem to things outside my control (other people’s reception of me, or rather, my perception of them)
- As long as I blurred my identity with my achievements, I would never get off the hamster wheel of trying to prove myself.
I went deep into therapy, charting all my achievements from a young age and how they informed my sense of self, creating a conditional confidence. No wonder I was constantly working, I was only as worthy as my last accomplishment.
I remember a friend once reminded me that I was a human being, not a human “doing” (thanks, Stephanie!)
It made sense that the productivity hacks didn’t work. They were focused on the “doing” when I really needed to examine the “being.”
But what the heck did “being” even mean? The mere thought of sitting in silence made my skin crawl.
Which meant it was exactly what I needed.
Every morning, I forced myself to sit in excruciating silence. Inevitably, a few seconds later, I would feel itchy thoughts take over. I hated being bad at anything, and I was particularly bad at “being.”
After doing this enough times, I experienced my first breakthrough.
I realized that I’d misunderstood the assignment. Sitting in silence wasn’t about “getting good” at turning off my thoughts, it was about the practice of corraling them. The practice of corraling my mind, was strengthening a connection to a part of me that was separate from my thoughts, undefined by my achievements, and protected from the perception of others.
The same thing happened with journaling. I begrudgingly began a daily diary practice, despite feeling quite silly and sometimes even ashamed (I never felt I had anything important to say and my writing was awful.)
Then I had my second breakthrough.
It wasn’t about the writing, it was about the experience of writing.
Mind blown 🤯
Focusing on the process, HOW you do something, what you learn, the pleasure you take in it, the purpose you feel, etc. vs. solely on the outcome is what expands the definition of success from something restrictive and in many ways, out of your control.
A new mantra emerged, “Everything is practice.”
This was a turning point in the unhooking from the hamster wheel of achievements. However, there was still more work to do.
I was still struggling with procrastination and as someone who prided herself on her achievements, I hated this part of myself. Absolutely loathed it.
It wasn’t until working with an IFS-trained therapist (I read this book first), that I had a breakthrough that transformed everything.
If I wanted to love myself unconditionally, I had to love ALL parts of myself, not just the high-achieving, “successful” ones. However, while that made sense in theory, I worried by loving my procrastination, I would be indulging it.
The opposite happened.
When I acknowledged the good intentions behind my procrastination (ie the things it had protected me from and some benefits of it), I started to procrastinate less. It was almost like that part of me was a little child who, when recognized, no longer needed to act up, seeking my attention.
Mind blown again 🤯
What I’ve found in the past few years of learning to unhook from achievements, is that it doesn’t impact having big ambition or a drive for excellence. Those things are still there.
What isn’t, is the “mind trash” of catastrophizing, compartmentalizing, self-flagellating, and self-defeating. The work is ongoing (clearly, I still had my “YOU IDIOT” moment this weekend) but instead of spiraling for days or even weeks, I was able to catch it.
I’m able to counsel and corral the rest of my parts that, despite their good intentions, spin me away from Being and into Doing. I’m able to stay in command of my experience, no matter what’s happening.
And so the work continues. I can’t wait.
This week’s action steps:
➡️ Write out your definition of success. Where do you think it came from?
➡️ Identify parts of you that you wish were different. See if you can uncover their good intention: what are they protecting you from? What have been some of the benefits? How can you recognize, validate, and even celebrate them on an ongoing basis?
➡️ In what ways can you shift your focus from outcome to process?
➡️ Share this newsletter with someone who needs it
