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This is for anyone who has ever felt compelled to prove that they’re doing better than they are.
“A coach needs a coach?”
I’d just shared in my morning accountability group that I was preparing for a meeting with a new business coach.
That response from one of the women left me stunned.
I found myself quickly explaining and justifying, (or rather over-explaining) why I was working with the coach. My business might be struggling but I made sure to drop all the impressive things about me: my newsletter numbers, the money I’ve made in the past.
With as much confidence as I could muster, I said: “We all have blind spots, everyone needs perspective!”
As I walked away from that interaction, what I was left with was a sour taste in my mouth, not from what she said, but what I’d said.
Because what I’d wished I’d said was simply: “Well, therapists see therapists, don’t they?” and left it at that.
I understood why I felt the need to prove myself; this woman had an impressive career, and I wanted her to see me as accomplished, not struggling. Which is valid.
But as I’ve dedicated myself to more transparency in my writing (maybe you’ve noticed?), I’d also like to strive for transparency in my living. Which means showing up as a whole human being: accomplishments and struggles together.
What I hated most? It wasn’t her judgment, but rather, was how quickly I tried to perform my competence.
How automatically I reached for my credentials, my numbers, my proof. As if needing help meant I was failing. As if being a coach who needs a coach was somehow embarrassing rather than… obvious. Normal. A good thing.
Listen, I still have work to do around my worth. And now I know: when I’m triggered, my knee-jerk reaction is to show off instead of simply existing as someone who is both accomplished AND struggling—because we all are, all the time.
Maybe her comment was meant to be funny. Or maybe it was about her own discomfort with vulnerability, with the idea that expertise doesn’t mean you’ve transcended being human.
We’re all mirrors for each other, and often we don’t like what we see.
The performance of competence is exhausting. It keeps us isolated in our struggles because we’re too busy proving we don’t have any.
Learning to separate other people’s discomfort from our own worth, and getting comfortable showing up as whole humans, not just highlight reels, this doesn’t happen overnight.
But it starts with small, repeated practices.
Practice:
- Notice the pattern. When you feel the urge to perform—to prove, to justify, to show off…pause. Name it, even: “I’m performing right now.” What we can see, we can change.
- Reframe the need. Needing help isn’t evidence that you’re failing…it’s evidence that you’re human. Let that be your mantra when the old pattern shows up.
- Practice, don’t perfect. You don’t have to respond perfectly in the moment. You just have to catch yourself in the act. We change by being gentle with ourselves as we practice, not by willing ourselves to be different.
Your Turn:
- When do you feel the need to prove you have it all together? What situations or people trigger that response?
- What does your version of “performing competence” look like? (Credentials-dropping, over-explaining, minimizing struggles, changing the subject?)
- Think of a recent moment when you hid a struggle or need. What were you afraid would happen if you’d been honest?
I’d love to know what this newsletter brought up for you. Hit reply and tell me, I read every email. We got this!
Now go get paid.
x Claire
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