This is for anyone who struggles with a gratitude practice.
Let me guess: you’ve tried gratitude journaling. You dutifully listed three things you’re grateful for. You felt… nothing. Or worse, you felt guilty for feeling nothing. Like you were failing at being grateful, which is somehow even more depressing than just being ungrateful in the first place. You’re not broken. The practice is.
Where Gratitude Went Wrong
Gratitude journals exploded into mainstream wellness culture in the early 2000s, riding the wave of positive psychology research – particularly Robert Emmons’ work showing that gratitude practices could improve wellbeing. The research was solid. But like most evidence-based practices that get popularized, the nuance got lost in translation.
What we got was a cognitive exercise: List three things. Write them down. Feel better. Except most of us don’t feel better.
We feel like we’re checking off another item on our self-improvement to-do list.
The Real Problem: You’re Asking Your Body to Feel Something It Doesn’t Recognize
Here’s what nobody tells you about gratitude: it’s not a thought. It’s a felt sense in your body – a physical experience of safety, expansion, enoughness.
For people whose nervous systems are wired for threat detection (hello, achievers, perfectionists, anyone who’s experienced trauma), trying to think your way into gratitude is like trying to convince yourself you’re warm while standing in a snowstorm.
Your body knows better.
When your nervous system is in survival mode – scanning for problems, anticipating criticism, bracing for the next thing to go wrong – gratitude doesn’t compute. It can’t. Your body is busy keeping you safe. Asking it to feel grateful while it’s on high alert creates more pressure, not more peace.
The practice becomes another place to fail. Another thing you’re doing wrong.
What Your Body Actually Needs
Real gratitude isn’t something you force yourself to feel. It’s something your nervous system experiences when it feels safe enough to notice what’s good.
You have to teach your body what appreciation actually feels like before you can practice it.
You have to give your nervous system permission to stand down from threat detection and start noticing pleasure, safety, connection.
That’s what these practices do. They’re not gratitude exercises disguised as something else – they’re the foundation that makes gratitude possible.
Five Practices That Actually Work
These are from The Practice, my deck of cards that transforms your negative self-talk into sustaining self-trust:
Find Delight. Eyes open. Find something pleasing to your senses. Extra credit for choosing something ordinary or even “ugly” – notice how light plays on it, its texture, patterns. Close your eyes. How does discovering this register in your body? Warmth? Softness? Set three alarms today. When they go off, actively look for beauty in something around you – visual, auditory, or even how efficiently something works. 👉 Why it works: This is gratitude’s gateway. Instead of forcing yourself to feel grateful for abstract things (your health, your family, your opportunities), you’re training your nervous system to notice pleasure in real-time. Delight is gratitude’s somatic precursor. It creates the body sensation of “this is good” before your mind tries to make meaning of it. When you genuinely find something delightful – light on a coffee mug, the efficiency of a well-designed door hinge – your body experiences expansion, warmth, softness. Those are the same sensations gratitude creates when it’s real, not performed Your mind spots problems for survival. You can train it to hunt for pleasure instead.
Give Yourself Credit. Hands on heart. Think of something difficult you’ve navigated recently – a challenge overcome, growth achieved, or simply showing up when it was hard. Feel yourself receiving the recognition you deserve. Send yourself love and gratitude. Today, catch yourself doing something hard – even small things like having a difficult conversation or getting out of bed on a rough day. Pause and say internally: “I see you. Good job.” 👉 Why it works: Traditional gratitude practices focus outward: I’m grateful for my health, my family, my job. But if you’re someone who doesn’t believe you deserve good things, that gratitude can’t land in your body. It just floats around in your head, theoretical and unconvincing. This practice turns appreciation inward, which is where most high-achievers have a massive blind spot. You can’t truly feel grateful for what you have if you don’t fundamentally believe you’re worthy of having it. The hands-on-heart piece is crucial. It signals safety to your nervous system – this is a gesture we use instinctively when we’re moved, when we’re receiving something tender. It tells your body: it’s safe to let this good feeling in. It’s safe to receive.
Add the And. Remember a past situation that felt impossible – a breakup, job loss, crisis. Complete this: “That was painful AND…” What can you see now that you couldn’t then? When you notice either/or thinking today, add an “and.” Challenge yourself to add as many as possible. 👉 Why it works: This expands gratitude beyond toxic positivity. You’re not denying difficulty or forcing silver linings – you’re training your brain to hold complexity. “This is hard AND I’m learning” creates more space than “I should just be grateful it’s not worse.” The body responds to “and” with softness, with breathing room. Either/or thinking creates constriction – your nervous system tenses up, bracing for one reality to cancel out the other. “And” lets both things be true. This is gratitude that doesn’t require you to gaslight yourself about what’s real.
Find the Humanity. Look at something human-made nearby. Imagine all the hands in its creation – designer, factory worker, delivery driver. Feel the chain of human effort that brought this to you. When loneliness or disconnection hits today, touch something human-made and think: “Someone made this for me, even without knowing me.” 👉 Why it works: This transforms gratitude from an abstract concept to a tangible recognition of interdependence. When you touch something and imagine all the hands that created it, you’re not performing gratitude – you’re experiencing connection. For people who feel isolated or disconnected, this practice makes appreciation visceral. It’s harder to feel alone when you can physically sense the web of human effort around you. Everything around you is evidence of humans helping humans. Your nervous system registers connection as safety. And when you feel safe, gratitude becomes possible.
Love Your Blockers. Think of one of your frustrating patterns – procrastination, people-pleasing. These aren’t flaws. They’re protector parts trying to keep you safe. Feel where this pattern lives in your body. Instead of fighting it, flood it with love and gratitude. Thank it for working so hard to protect you. When you catch a frustrating pattern today, say: “Thank you for trying to protect me.” Notice any shifts. Breathe. 👉 Why it works: This might be the most radical reframe of gratitude. Instead of being grateful despite your “flaws,” you’re appreciating your protective patterns for doing exactly what they were designed to do. This dissolves shame, which is gratitude’s biggest barrier. You can’t feel genuinely grateful while simultaneously believing you’re broken. The two states can’t coexist in your nervous system. When you thank your procrastination for protecting you from criticism, something shifts. Your nervous system finally gets permission to relax. You’re not fighting yourself anymore. And that’s when real appreciation becomes possible.
Gratitude works when it starts in your body, not your head.
These practices aren’t about thinking different thoughts. They’re about training your nervous system to recognize safety, pleasure, enoughness, connection. Once your body knows what those feel like, gratitude stops being a practice you force yourself to do and starts feeling like a natural extension of who you are.
Let me know which gratitude practice resonated most with you! I reply to every email 🙂
Now go get paid.
x Claire
PS Loved this newsletter? Pay it forward by sharing it with someone who could benefit 🤗
I work with high-achieving women who are successful on paper but struggling beneath the surface…and I’d love to work with you 🤗
You might be:
The Golden Handcuffs Client: Well-compensated but soul-starved. You want meaningful work but can’t afford to sacrifice financial security—especially with a family depending on you. The thought of starting over feels paralyzing.
The Ambitious Achiever Who Hit a Wall: You do everything “right”—stellar performance, great relationships, impressive results—but you’re not advancing as expected. You get to final rounds but don’t close the deal, and you can’t figure out why.
The Brave Leaper in Analysis Paralysis: You’re already mid-transition but frozen by overthinking. You have courage but lack clarity, strategy, or confidence. Every option feels like it could be the “wrong” choice.
The Expert Stuck in Your Expertise: You have deep knowledge and experience but struggle to translate it into something marketable. You’re caught between your established identity and who you’re becoming.
If any of these resonate, you’re not broken. You’re at a critical inflection point that requires both strategic clarity AND the internal tools to execute with confidence.
Why Choose Me
Most coaches give you either strategy OR mindset work. I seamlessly weave together:
Practical next steps with the internal alignment work needed to execute them
Strategic roadmapping with tools to manage your present so you have bandwidth for your future
Market positioning with the confidence to own your worth and negotiate from strength
I don’t push you to quit your job tomorrow or take dramatic leaps. Instead, I help you see your current paycheck as “a venture capitalist funding your transition” so you can shift to a more empowered position.
As one client put it: “Claire holds my hand and kicks my butt at the same time.”
I provide gentle support when you’re struggling with fear and self-doubt—and firm accountability when you’re making excuses or avoiding necessary action. I won’t let you stay stuck in planning mode or let perfectionism sabotage your progress.
The Real Reason My Coaching Works
Here’s what I’ve learned after working with thousands of women: When you say you want a “career change,” what you really need is alignment between who you’ve become and how you show up professionally.
The surface problem is job dissatisfaction. The real problem is identity evolution.
I’ve lived through the messy, complicated reality of major life transitions. I know what it feels like to be successful on paper but lost inside. I understand the fear of making the “wrong” choice when everything feels high-stakes.
My approach is to turn my life inside out—taking what I’ve learned (mostly through struggle) and breaking it down in a way that’s accessible and actionable for you.
You’ve built something you’re proud of. But you can’t quite claim it.
You call it temporary. A side project. Just figuring things out. Meanwhile, you have clients who energize you, work that matters, skills you’re developing. You’re living someone else’s dream—but because it doesn’t match your original plan, you won’t let yourself own it.
This week’s coaching session was with Meg, who thought she had a purpose problem. Fifteen minutes in, I realized: she didn’t need to find her purpose. She needed permission to claim what she’d already built. In this week’s Substack, I break down:
The exact moment the real problem revealed itself (spoiler: it wasn’t purpose)
Why “Is this forever?” is a trap that keeps you from making anything real
The “Season of Life” Framework—5 questions to replace the pressure of finding your life’s purpose
How isolation makes everything feel illegitimate (and what to structure instead)
