Welcome to Ladies Get Paid, a weekly newsletter to expand your worth, wealth, and wellbeing. Was it sent to you? Subscribe here so you don’t miss the next one.
This is for anyone who has ever wondered if walking away means giving up.
For over a year, I woke up early and showed up to the page. I wrestled with a memoir about my son’s medical crisis—the trauma that brought to the surface a lifetime of performing and perfectionism.
I submitted an essay to magazines, waited for responses, got an “I’m too busy to look at this” from my agent. I revised the proposal one more time, knowing in some deep place beyond my perfectionist that it still needed work.
And then I decided to stop.
This might sound like failure. It’s not.
For someone who has always struggled more with saying no than yes, who chases every shiny object that catches the light, stopping feels foreign. Uncomfortable. Disappointing.
But even though my writing project hasn’t (yet) reached success, the process of working on it, was.
I built muscles I didn’t have before: the discipline of early mornings, new ways to talk to my self-doubt, a community of creative souls who understand this particular kind of exhaustion. I processed incredibly difficult emotions and hard truths.
It turns out that I got what I needed personally from the project, if not professionally.
But here’s what I also learned: being emotionally honest every time I sat down to write was exhausting. And quite frankly, I don’t want to do that unless someone’s paying me.
That realization forced me to develop a framework for making these kinds of decisions, for knowing when to keep going and when to let go.
The Pie Chart Method
I like to think about life decisions through the lens of a pie chart. Our lives are pies divided into slices—work, creativity, rest, relationships, play. Our internal selves are pies too—the creative part, the logical part, the disciplined part, the part that just wants to lie on the couch and watch TV.
When you go overboard in one area and completely neglect another, you feel it. Misalignment. Dissatisfaction. Burnout. The challenge is that depending on the season of your life, one area might legitimately need more focus than another. The key is remembering it shouldn’t come at the complete sacrifice of everything else.
Understanding this conceptually is one thing. Actually living it requires translating awareness into action.
This is where the practical work begins: translating this awareness into your actual week, your actual day. If you’re making any behavioral change, know that it will be difficult. Clear obstacles wherever you can. Put tasks on your calendar. Do accountability sessions or body doubling with another person. Find a text partner.
Here’s the critical piece:
Do NOT make decisions based on how you’re feeling in any given moment. Emotional reactivity robs you of perspective. But reflecting on your feelings afterward? That’s essential. Your emotions are information, potentially pointing you toward that misalignment I mentioned earlier.
Which brings me to the question that has become my north star when evaluating any commitment.
The Reframe
Something I consistently ask myself is: How does this benefit me?
Usually the presenting situation itself has zero benefit. If anything, on the surface it looks like it might make my life harder. But if I can shift the lens to one of learning and growth, I can usually unlock an opportunity.
I believe that everything in life serves us so that we can serve others, whether that becomes a career or simply means bringing joy to the people around you.
With the memoir, asking this question revealed something unexpected: I had already gotten the benefit. The discipline was built. The grief was processed. The community was formed. Now, what I needed was more joy. Which is why it became clear that it was time to stop working on the memoir.
Nos Are Not Yets
I still believe that nos are not yets. If my essay gets published and an agent expresses interest, yes, I would pursue it. But for now, I’m honoring what my body is telling me: I got what I needed from this project.
The shiny object syndrome that once felt like a weakness might actually be wisdom, my system knowing when to move toward something new, when one slice of the pie needs feeding, when the season has changed.
Saying no, I’m learning, isn’t about closing doors. It’s about trusting that the energy you’re protecting will serve you better somewhere else.
And sometimes, that somewhere else has been waiting for you all along.
The Next Chapter
I’ve now pivoted to writing a novel based on my great-grandfather’s secret memoir—a story set in 1920s-1930s Shanghai that I never knew existed until recently. The memoir work taught me discipline and emotional excavation. But this novel? This fulfills my desire to explore my imagination, to play with language and character without the exhausting demand of relentless emotional honesty.
The muscles I built writing the memoir haven’t gone to waste. I’m using them differently now, in service of something that feeds a part of me that was starving, the part that wants to create worlds rather than autopsy wounds.
Maybe that’s what saying no really means: making space for the yes that’s been quietly waiting its turn.
Key Takeaways
- Stop measuring success solely by external outcomes. The muscles you build in the process—discipline, emotional honesty, community—are valuable regardless of publication or recognition.
- Emotional reactivity is not the same as emotional wisdom. Don’t make decisions in the heat of the moment, but do reflect on your feelings as important information about alignment.
- Think in pie charts. Balance doesn’t mean equal slices all the time—it means no area gets completely neglected, and adjustments shift with life’s seasons.
- Ask “How does this benefit me?” Reframe challenges through the lens of learning and growth rather than just difficulty.
- Clear obstacles to make follow-through easier. Accountability, body doubling, calendar blocking, and text partners all reduce friction when you’re trying to change behavior.
- “No” is not forever. Saying no to something now doesn’t mean you’re saying no forever—it means you’re honoring what your current season requires.
Reflection Questions
- What project or commitment have you been pouring energy into that might actually be complete, even if it doesn’t look like you imagined?
- Looking at your life as a pie chart right now, which slice is taking up too much space? Which slice has been completely neglected?
- What decision are you currently facing where emotional reactivity might be clouding your judgment? What would reflecting on those emotions—rather than deciding from them—reveal?
- Think of something challenging in your life right now. How might it benefit you if you shift the lens to learning and growth?
- What’s one obstacle you could clear this week to make following through on something important just a little bit easier?
- What have you been saying yes to out of obligation, fear, or habit that actually deserves a no—or at least a “not yet”?
- What muscles have you built in the last year that you haven’t given yourself credit for?
What are you ready to say no to? Hit reply and tell me, I read every response 🙂
Now go get paid.
x Claire
PS Loved this newsletter? Pay it forward by sharing it with someone who could benefit 🤗
|
|
|
Looking for a job?
Dreaming of a new career?
Preparing to negotiate?
Seeking guidance?
|
