When I left my husband for Ashley, I’d never been with a woman. Not even a drunken college kiss.
But when I decided to end my marriage, I did it with unflinching certainty that for the first time in 30 years, I was being undeniably true to myself. I trusted my decision, I trusted myself.
I’d been building that trust over the previous year. I started Ladies Get Paid, toured the country speaking to thousands of women, and witnessed myself stepping into my purpose.
I was becoming successful without the security of a full-time job and that sparked self-confidence, or self-trust, that began to spread to other areas of my life.
Becoming aligned professionally, made me realize how unaligned I was romantically.
I was 26 years old when I said yes to his proposal. He wholeheartedly encouraged my ambition and I was convinced no other man would cheer on my independence the way he did. He also provided financial security and despite my claims of feminism, I still subscribed to the “knight in shining armor” fantasy.
In exchange, I traded emotional intimacy, rationalizing that no one is perfect. You can’t have it all.
Except what if you could…?
Here’s what I discovered:
Even though I didn’t see my work as “radical” at the time, getting sued later by a group of men’s rights activists, made me realize it was. It turned out that encouraging women to own their worth is a sort of middle finger to society (or at least it’s seen that way by some people.)
Questioning the wage gap made me question other things.
Being around so many women in those town halls, bravely sharing their stories, made me braver in what I allowed myself to feel.
When I got home, I felt misplaced. Out of sorts, out of alignment. It was like I went from a world of color when I was doing Ladies Get Paid, to a world of grey when I was at home. I craved the color. I realized I craved Ashley, too.
It didn’t start that way. It began as a feeling that can only be described as jealousy when I saw her speaking to another woman. At the time I didn’t register it as such but it did strike me as odd, I remember feeling perplexed at this pit in my stomach.
Fast forward to one night after hosting a meetup, I felt a sudden and swift urge to kiss her. I needed her to know how amazing she was and this felt like the most appropriate way to do that.
I won’t go into detail what happened next (saving it for my memoir!), but the next few months were the most alive I’d ever felt.
It was also messy AF.
I made it messier by trying to please everyone. I let my guilt take the lead which only made things worse. I got through it by holding on to the technicolor feeling I had with Ashley; there was no going back.
I was angry with myself though. Angry that I’d been this blind to this part of myself while claiming to be so self-aware (and spending thousands of dollars in therapy.)
Good Girl DNA runs deep.
(Even now, Ashley will point out ways in which I silence my needs in exchange for people-pleasing, and it’s a daily practice to tune into my subconscious.)
That’s in large part what this newsletter, and Ladies Get Paid, is about.
Rewiring that DNA in a way that honors our truth and builds self-trust.
I share all this to celebrate the beginning of Pride Month, and also to encourage us to stop the mental and emotional jiu-jitsu we all do in service of “society”, of not rocking the boat, of avoiding the mess.
Because I’d rather have a messy life that’s full of honesty.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
- Stop sacrificng our needs and desires in honor of something or someone else.
- Choose disappointing others over disappointing ourselves.
- Tuning in to our inner light and gain the self-trust to follow it, wherever it may lead.
- Raise our standards, in all areas of our life.
- Believe we’re worth of more.
THIS WEEK’S ACTION STEPS
➡️ Identify ways in which you’ve silenced your subconscious. What were you (or are you) protecting yourself from?
➡️ In what areas of your life do you feel a magnetic pull? How can you lean more into them?
