“My inner critic is very difficult to silence when trying to successfully fulfill multiple roles (wife, mother, friend, self…)”
-Overwhelmed Olivia
Ask Claire
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Dear Overwhelmed Olivia,
For each of these roles, I want you to write out a definition of success. But most importantly, how will you know (or rather, how will you FEEL) when you’ve reached that success?
If the goalposts always seem to move, that’s because they are. Well, you are.
You’re moving the goalposts because you’re more comfortable in the pursuit of the goal than relishing in the satisfaction of reaching it.
That’s not your fault by the way. It’s human nature. We’re wired to strive. Because striving is surviving.
Unfortunately, it makes us feel like shit.
To shift from striving to thriving, make your energy your focus.
This is the question to continually ask yourself: where are you directing your energy at any given moment? If it’s ruminating about the past or projecting into the future, that’s where your self-work needs to start.
Because if you are 100% present in each of these aspects of your life/roles, then you are 100% succeeding.
Easier said than done. The quickest way to get out of your head is to ask yourself, “What’s my next thought?”
Chances are you can’t come up with anything. Good. You’ve disrupted your wiring just enough to be intentional with your next step. You’ve given yourself a bit of space to stop striving.
Now, wiggle your toes and hands. Breathe deeply. The more in the body you can get, the more of an antidote you’ll have against the spirals of your mind.
I want you to visualize your energy as a gas tank. How much would you say it’s filled? And how quickly are you draining it? Do this exercise every time you start to feel pulled in multiple directions and that inner critic is piping up.
Trust me: you have control over how much energy you give away. What you cannot control is your initial thought and emotion, (that’s your wiring), but you can choose what you do next. You can choose to not let that tank go down.
This takes practice, however. Day in, day out. Catching yourself, disrupting the chain, visualizing the tank, and making a choice. It’s in practicing, that you will strengthen the Self-leadership muscle that will guide you in this situation and beyond.
Simply put: you cannot be everything to everybody all the time. However, you can be who YOU need to be all the time.
In fact, you must be. Otherwise, that inner critic will continue to nag at you, because it is a signal to pay closer attention to your energy. Where it goes and how it needs be protected. How it needs you to protect it.
The point is not to be perfect in each of these roles but to maintain the ability to step back and holistically assess them as puzzle pieces that make up your life, a life that YOU assemble.
The biggest choice of all? Deciding how much you ACTUALLY want to give, versus how much you believe you should.
Anytime you say “should” to yourself, pause. Whose voice is this? Society? Or Self? Always return to Self, whatever that practice looks like, no matter how imperfect it is.
Continue to remind yourself (rituals can help with this), that your greatest responsibility in life is to honor your Self. From there, everything will flow.
